Cape Crusader

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

As a part of my "Mommy Check Up" promised to my husband and kids- Today was my ultrasound appointment. I was supposed to 2 ultrasounds: One Pelvic to monitor my Endometriosis, and one on my right breast- as a follow up to that abnormal Mammogram.

Last night I was thinking of my ultrasound and decided to give myself a self breast exam. I USED to do them every month. That was when I used o eat right, excersizes and actually take care of myself....you know, ironically Before I had kids.
So it was bed time and I decided to feel the boob for this "Abnormality".  When I laid flat on my back, Holy Shit! I actually did feel something in my right breast.!  It was on the lower, inner quadrant of the right breast- right where the mammogram said here was an abnormality.
Surely I was feeling it because I was looking for it......, right?
It must be imaginary........,  right?
I decided this was not real, coyld not possibly be real and I went to sleep.

I had the original Mammogram done at IMA. After my doctor ordered the ultrasound I tried for 9 days to make the ultrasound appointment with IMA and for some reason they kept telling me they had to call me back. I finally got thru and they made the appointment for a week and a half from then.
Something told me to choose another place.  I took it as a sign.

I have lived here now for 2.5 years and never noticed "The Breast Center" until just a few weeks ago. So I gave them a call and set it up.

I was not worried about this. In fact, since I found out that Larry Lump was benign, I have been on cloud 9!

I actually forgot about today's appointment - that is until my husband asked what time the appointment was.

I was really not worried.

An hour before I left, I was dancing around my living room with my 6 year old to Edith Piaf (she has a strangely beautiful cultured side and is fascinated with old French music).

So, I was Really NOT worried.

I kissed my baby goodbye, thanked Nana for watching her, texted my 17 year old that I can not pick her up at the bus stop today. She wished me luck and we left.

My husband a was a bit uptight on the drive. He was so angry at the slow moving traffic. I lightened the mood my talking about stupid news.

We pulled up to the hospital- the same one where Larry Lump was just evicted 2 weeks ago.

We went in and I was directed to the Out Patient desk. I told her I had 2 ultrasounds scheduled. She said that the breast center wants me first, then when I am done, I can go to her to have the pelvic ultrasound done.

She directed me to The Breast Center. My husband came with me, as always. I signed in and filled out my papers. A lady came within 5 minutes to take me. She said "he has to stay here." And my husband said "ok, how long should she be?" And the lady smiled and said "30 minutes tops".

I kissed him goodbye. And followed her through a waiting room into a changing area. She asked me to take off my top and bra, offed me a locker and handed me a Cape.

That's right, a CAPE.
She even said "The Cape snaps to the front"

This was not a Gown, Not a Robe..,,It was a Cape! Atoo-short-to-cover-everything- Sea Green Poncho!
I put on my super cape, put my white tee shirt and white sports bra in my locker and walked into the attached waiting room where 2 other caped women were sitting.
I impulsively decided to try to make a funny entrance and said "So Can I Join the Caped Crusader Team?" They all nervously chuckled.

It was originally three other women, but one got called promptly.
The two other women that were left sat in silence. There was a TV on, but I can see no one was listening or watching it.
I nervously grabbed a Magazine and flipped thru from back to front,  which is my usual annoying habit.
Although I wasn't reading, just looking through, I couldn't if I tried because my leg was shaking nervously.

I then noticed that my fellow crusaders were trembling with me in harmony.

I still felt out of place a bit. - which is a good thing at "The Breast Center".

The woman that was sitting across from me was maybe 48, 49 years old. She had very short - Back shiny hair. It was all spiked and plunked up in the back. The front was parted to the side and was slicked  down in a stylish hairdo. Very Punk Modern.

The other woman was much older, maybe 65, 66. She was thin with very short grey hair, like a ot cut. I noticed she had similar purple sweat pants like mine.

Then I noticed something else that separated them from me- The Cape.
They both had the cape tucked neatly between their arms and body- almost like sleeves.
It was then that I realized hat they were not rookies at this- I was.

Our nervous tapping had become louder, or maybe it just appeared that way to me.
I decided to break the silence with a joke and said "They should pump a sedative in the room as a courtesy". And I motioned to our shaking loud legs.
The grey haired woman said "Yes they should!" And then we all nervously chuckled.

That's when the silence was broken like a door being shattered.
The punk haired lady said "If you think this is bad, wait until you take that long walk thru the hallway maze not a pitch black room that is lined with illuminated pictures of your body and the guy in the white coat tells you you have Cancer. That's the room that needs a sedative. At least this room still has hope.

I didn't know how to react. I'm not sure how I did react. The next 20 minutes was no longer silent. Both women talked about having breast cancer. I heard words like Mastectomy, lumpectomy, Core Biopsy, Chemo, and Radiation.

I felt sorry for those women. But I knew I was not in their club. I was just an outsider passing by.
My name was called and I was wished good luck.

I was brought in a room with a mammogram machine. I was a bit confused because I only had orders for an ultrasound. The tech said "After seeing your Mammogram and the report, The doctor (radiologist) wants to do a diagnostic mammogram with spot comparison. You probably won't need the ultrasound after this."

She gave me a lead apron to put around my waist. Then I went to the Bobbie squeezing machine. I'm not sure if it is just me, but the diagnostic mammogram seemed to hurt a lot more.
She took many shots. She squeezed me side ways, up and down, and each way on a diagonal. She asked me to go into the waiting room. My fellow crusaders were not there. I flipped open my magazine, and a new tech called me into the hallway. She told me that I now needed an ultrasound. She told me she is a positive person and would be thinking good things. She asked how I came to be there today and I explained my quest to have everything checked before the year is out for my family. I told her all about my 3 inch Larry lump that was removed 2 weeks ago. She told me that she thinks this will be scar tissue and nothing to worry about. She asked about my kids while she began her ultrasound....which was enough to distract me. I told her that I have two beautiful, amazing daughters 6 and 17. She told me I didn't look old enough to have a 17 year old- and so I told her that she is adopted. I explained our whole story to her and before I knew it, the ultrasound was over. She told me that she will show the ultrasound to the doctor and he would tell me the suits before I leave. She was reassuring and said she believes it is just scar tissue.
She walked me back to my waiting room. I flipped my parenting magazine back open- backwards of course. 5 minutes pass and she calls me back into the hallway.
She kindly says that the doctor wants to do a "Live View" Ultrasound- which means he wants to be in the room and see the ultrasound himself.
Now I begin to get nervous.
I walk in, lay down. Open my cape to allow my right breast escape. She kindly covers me with a towel.
The doctor enters, and I trounces himself.
He stands t me left, opposite the ultrasound machine.
He says " So how do you end up here at only 36 years old?"
I explained that I have neglected my health for a few years and.....
He chuckled and Interrupted me and said "You didn't neglect your health."
I continued " Well, I did- I had a 3 inch tumor removed from my buttock 2 weeks ago, that was growing for years, and thankfully it was benign"
I continued " My doctor ordered a baseline mammogram about a year ago, and I never got to it. I finally started getting everything checked and had it done"
He asked of family history of breast cancer- I said there was maybe an aunt on each side.
I did tell him that my endometriosis has led to me taking hormone replacement drugs, which increase my risk.
They started the ultrasound.
First the tech started. He pointed something out on the screen. She switched some knobs and made some colors appear. He took over and kept gong over the same spot. I explained that I felt something there last night. I pointed to the location and he said "yep- that's it"
He went back over the spot for about 15 minutes. He highlighted the spot and said "Duct" and I heard "micro-calcification"
He finished and said - "We'll- there is something there. I don't know what it is. It is not a cyst."
I asked if it could be a lipoma because I just had my third lipoma removed.
He said "I wish! But no, it's not. Breast tissue is made up of fat and muscle. This is neither. I would be able to see if it were a lipoma."

I said "So what is it?"

The doctor said "I wish I knew. It is attached to a duct. Now good thing is you are very young and have no significant family risk of breast cancer; like a mother or sister. So best case scenario is that it is a benign mass, there are many ATypical benign masses"
"Worst case scenario is cancer. It appears to look like a Ductal Carcinoma or Lobular Carcinoma."
"You are young, so I am thinking of two options. One is to keep an eye on its hitch would mean to be tested every 4-6 months for the next 2-3 years. The other way Is to do a biopsy. Again, age is on your side so I am hopeful of the results. But I don't want your age to sway my course of action. If you were older and had the same mass- No question would say to have a biopsy.
So I think you should have a biopsy. Would you be ok with that?"

I said "Well yea, I don't think I could wait months to keep an eye on it. I would rather know either way".
The doctor said "I think that is best. So we will have that scheduled"
I asked how soon and he said next week. He said it would be a ultrasound guided core biopsy.

Here is one of those words - "Core Biopsy"

I went and scheduled the biopsy. I looked at the time and it was now 3:30. I left my husband for this "30 minute test" at 2:00. Just then the phone rings. I hear "she is finishing up right now," and I knew my husband was worried.
Oh God. Now I have to tell him "Core Biopsy"

I get dressed. Compose myself and walk out. He is waiting in the hall and said "How did it go?"
I started to say "Babe I need a Bio-..." And began to cry. I buried my eyes in his chest.

We aimlessly walked I circles, neither of us knowing where we were going as I tried to explain it all. We finally found our way out. We walked to the car and I broke.

This is getting too real. He handles it like a prince. He tells me not to worry. He gives me a kiss. Holds my hand. We get home and I went in the bathroom. I cried. He knocked. I said "be right out" as my crying voice cracked.
We talked. He asked me for today's reports and I said they didn't give them to me. He asked me to call for them. I did, and was told they will be ready tomorrow.

He tells me not to worry. Even if it is cancer- We will handle it.

So now I need to wait and worry, worry and wait. Again.
And now I need sleep, but doubt I will get much.
Night.