Cape Crusader

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

As a part of my "Mommy Check Up" promised to my husband and kids- Today was my ultrasound appointment. I was supposed to 2 ultrasounds: One Pelvic to monitor my Endometriosis, and one on my right breast- as a follow up to that abnormal Mammogram.

Last night I was thinking of my ultrasound and decided to give myself a self breast exam. I USED to do them every month. That was when I used o eat right, excersizes and actually take care of myself....you know, ironically Before I had kids.
So it was bed time and I decided to feel the boob for this "Abnormality".  When I laid flat on my back, Holy Shit! I actually did feel something in my right breast.!  It was on the lower, inner quadrant of the right breast- right where the mammogram said here was an abnormality.
Surely I was feeling it because I was looking for it......, right?
It must be imaginary........,  right?
I decided this was not real, coyld not possibly be real and I went to sleep.

I had the original Mammogram done at IMA. After my doctor ordered the ultrasound I tried for 9 days to make the ultrasound appointment with IMA and for some reason they kept telling me they had to call me back. I finally got thru and they made the appointment for a week and a half from then.
Something told me to choose another place.  I took it as a sign.

I have lived here now for 2.5 years and never noticed "The Breast Center" until just a few weeks ago. So I gave them a call and set it up.

I was not worried about this. In fact, since I found out that Larry Lump was benign, I have been on cloud 9!

I actually forgot about today's appointment - that is until my husband asked what time the appointment was.

I was really not worried.

An hour before I left, I was dancing around my living room with my 6 year old to Edith Piaf (she has a strangely beautiful cultured side and is fascinated with old French music).

So, I was Really NOT worried.

I kissed my baby goodbye, thanked Nana for watching her, texted my 17 year old that I can not pick her up at the bus stop today. She wished me luck and we left.

My husband a was a bit uptight on the drive. He was so angry at the slow moving traffic. I lightened the mood my talking about stupid news.

We pulled up to the hospital- the same one where Larry Lump was just evicted 2 weeks ago.

We went in and I was directed to the Out Patient desk. I told her I had 2 ultrasounds scheduled. She said that the breast center wants me first, then when I am done, I can go to her to have the pelvic ultrasound done.

She directed me to The Breast Center. My husband came with me, as always. I signed in and filled out my papers. A lady came within 5 minutes to take me. She said "he has to stay here." And my husband said "ok, how long should she be?" And the lady smiled and said "30 minutes tops".

I kissed him goodbye. And followed her through a waiting room into a changing area. She asked me to take off my top and bra, offed me a locker and handed me a Cape.

That's right, a CAPE.
She even said "The Cape snaps to the front"

This was not a Gown, Not a Robe..,,It was a Cape! Atoo-short-to-cover-everything- Sea Green Poncho!
I put on my super cape, put my white tee shirt and white sports bra in my locker and walked into the attached waiting room where 2 other caped women were sitting.
I impulsively decided to try to make a funny entrance and said "So Can I Join the Caped Crusader Team?" They all nervously chuckled.

It was originally three other women, but one got called promptly.
The two other women that were left sat in silence. There was a TV on, but I can see no one was listening or watching it.
I nervously grabbed a Magazine and flipped thru from back to front,  which is my usual annoying habit.
Although I wasn't reading, just looking through, I couldn't if I tried because my leg was shaking nervously.

I then noticed that my fellow crusaders were trembling with me in harmony.

I still felt out of place a bit. - which is a good thing at "The Breast Center".

The woman that was sitting across from me was maybe 48, 49 years old. She had very short - Back shiny hair. It was all spiked and plunked up in the back. The front was parted to the side and was slicked  down in a stylish hairdo. Very Punk Modern.

The other woman was much older, maybe 65, 66. She was thin with very short grey hair, like a ot cut. I noticed she had similar purple sweat pants like mine.

Then I noticed something else that separated them from me- The Cape.
They both had the cape tucked neatly between their arms and body- almost like sleeves.
It was then that I realized hat they were not rookies at this- I was.

Our nervous tapping had become louder, or maybe it just appeared that way to me.
I decided to break the silence with a joke and said "They should pump a sedative in the room as a courtesy". And I motioned to our shaking loud legs.
The grey haired woman said "Yes they should!" And then we all nervously chuckled.

That's when the silence was broken like a door being shattered.
The punk haired lady said "If you think this is bad, wait until you take that long walk thru the hallway maze not a pitch black room that is lined with illuminated pictures of your body and the guy in the white coat tells you you have Cancer. That's the room that needs a sedative. At least this room still has hope.

I didn't know how to react. I'm not sure how I did react. The next 20 minutes was no longer silent. Both women talked about having breast cancer. I heard words like Mastectomy, lumpectomy, Core Biopsy, Chemo, and Radiation.

I felt sorry for those women. But I knew I was not in their club. I was just an outsider passing by.
My name was called and I was wished good luck.

I was brought in a room with a mammogram machine. I was a bit confused because I only had orders for an ultrasound. The tech said "After seeing your Mammogram and the report, The doctor (radiologist) wants to do a diagnostic mammogram with spot comparison. You probably won't need the ultrasound after this."

She gave me a lead apron to put around my waist. Then I went to the Bobbie squeezing machine. I'm not sure if it is just me, but the diagnostic mammogram seemed to hurt a lot more.
She took many shots. She squeezed me side ways, up and down, and each way on a diagonal. She asked me to go into the waiting room. My fellow crusaders were not there. I flipped open my magazine, and a new tech called me into the hallway. She told me that I now needed an ultrasound. She told me she is a positive person and would be thinking good things. She asked how I came to be there today and I explained my quest to have everything checked before the year is out for my family. I told her all about my 3 inch Larry lump that was removed 2 weeks ago. She told me that she thinks this will be scar tissue and nothing to worry about. She asked about my kids while she began her ultrasound....which was enough to distract me. I told her that I have two beautiful, amazing daughters 6 and 17. She told me I didn't look old enough to have a 17 year old- and so I told her that she is adopted. I explained our whole story to her and before I knew it, the ultrasound was over. She told me that she will show the ultrasound to the doctor and he would tell me the suits before I leave. She was reassuring and said she believes it is just scar tissue.
She walked me back to my waiting room. I flipped my parenting magazine back open- backwards of course. 5 minutes pass and she calls me back into the hallway.
She kindly says that the doctor wants to do a "Live View" Ultrasound- which means he wants to be in the room and see the ultrasound himself.
Now I begin to get nervous.
I walk in, lay down. Open my cape to allow my right breast escape. She kindly covers me with a towel.
The doctor enters, and I trounces himself.
He stands t me left, opposite the ultrasound machine.
He says " So how do you end up here at only 36 years old?"
I explained that I have neglected my health for a few years and.....
He chuckled and Interrupted me and said "You didn't neglect your health."
I continued " Well, I did- I had a 3 inch tumor removed from my buttock 2 weeks ago, that was growing for years, and thankfully it was benign"
I continued " My doctor ordered a baseline mammogram about a year ago, and I never got to it. I finally started getting everything checked and had it done"
He asked of family history of breast cancer- I said there was maybe an aunt on each side.
I did tell him that my endometriosis has led to me taking hormone replacement drugs, which increase my risk.
They started the ultrasound.
First the tech started. He pointed something out on the screen. She switched some knobs and made some colors appear. He took over and kept gong over the same spot. I explained that I felt something there last night. I pointed to the location and he said "yep- that's it"
He went back over the spot for about 15 minutes. He highlighted the spot and said "Duct" and I heard "micro-calcification"
He finished and said - "We'll- there is something there. I don't know what it is. It is not a cyst."
I asked if it could be a lipoma because I just had my third lipoma removed.
He said "I wish! But no, it's not. Breast tissue is made up of fat and muscle. This is neither. I would be able to see if it were a lipoma."

I said "So what is it?"

The doctor said "I wish I knew. It is attached to a duct. Now good thing is you are very young and have no significant family risk of breast cancer; like a mother or sister. So best case scenario is that it is a benign mass, there are many ATypical benign masses"
"Worst case scenario is cancer. It appears to look like a Ductal Carcinoma or Lobular Carcinoma."
"You are young, so I am thinking of two options. One is to keep an eye on its hitch would mean to be tested every 4-6 months for the next 2-3 years. The other way Is to do a biopsy. Again, age is on your side so I am hopeful of the results. But I don't want your age to sway my course of action. If you were older and had the same mass- No question would say to have a biopsy.
So I think you should have a biopsy. Would you be ok with that?"

I said "Well yea, I don't think I could wait months to keep an eye on it. I would rather know either way".
The doctor said "I think that is best. So we will have that scheduled"
I asked how soon and he said next week. He said it would be a ultrasound guided core biopsy.

Here is one of those words - "Core Biopsy"

I went and scheduled the biopsy. I looked at the time and it was now 3:30. I left my husband for this "30 minute test" at 2:00. Just then the phone rings. I hear "she is finishing up right now," and I knew my husband was worried.
Oh God. Now I have to tell him "Core Biopsy"

I get dressed. Compose myself and walk out. He is waiting in the hall and said "How did it go?"
I started to say "Babe I need a Bio-..." And began to cry. I buried my eyes in his chest.

We aimlessly walked I circles, neither of us knowing where we were going as I tried to explain it all. We finally found our way out. We walked to the car and I broke.

This is getting too real. He handles it like a prince. He tells me not to worry. He gives me a kiss. Holds my hand. We get home and I went in the bathroom. I cried. He knocked. I said "be right out" as my crying voice cracked.
We talked. He asked me for today's reports and I said they didn't give them to me. He asked me to call for them. I did, and was told they will be ready tomorrow.

He tells me not to worry. Even if it is cancer- We will handle it.

So now I need to wait and worry, worry and wait. Again.
And now I need sleep, but doubt I will get much.
Night.

2 best syllables ever!

BE-NIGN!

Those were the two best syllables to reach my ears since "Preg-Nant".

Oh My GOD- was I relieved! I almost could not believe it

The doctor said that the biopsy report came back "Benign Lipoma".
He said that it was 3 inches in diameter. Which is almost 8 cm.
The doctor also said it could grow back, or I can develop many more.

I let out a huge sign of relief. The doctor changed my sterri-strips, told me to come back in 2 weeks.

I gave my hubs a Huge kiss and hug and then finally told him just how worried I was.

Of course he gave me the speech that I should have not been so worried and threw my own words of advice back at me: "only worry when there is something to worry about".

I said "Im not sure why I am like this. I dont let things get to me most of the time- but I can not relax when it comes to health issues- whether it's mine, or any other loved ones."

He asked why. Well, I never really thought about it. So I took a minute to actually think. I wasn't li,e this as a kid. Not as a teen. But......ahhhh, it hit me! When my dad got sick!

I said " I guess when Dad got sick it blindsided me. My head was spinning because I didn't expect it. So now I need to know 'Worst Case Scenerio".

I need to prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

I guess all of my praying did it.

I texted my daughter to tell her the good news.

"Larry Lump Was Just A PUNK"

My husband told me to just knock the rest of the health concerns out quick. So I got right on it.
I called my Primary Doc to ask what my pap results were......they came back "inconclusive".

So I finally made an appointment with a GYN.

I called the radiology place to try for the 4th time in a week to schedule my right breast ultrasound and pelvic ultrasound....... They have to call me back.

So now I have to wait for the appointments.

But what sweet relief.
I feel as Moms, we need to take care of ourselves. We need to make sure that we are in good health in order to care for our kids. Kinda like when a plane is going down. You are supposed to strap the oxygen mask to yourself SO you can help others!

I have learned my lesson. I will not wait so long to take care of myself.

Thank you GOD for answering my prayers!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, is only a Day A-Way

Tuesday November 5, 2013
Bedtime

Tomorrow is my post surgery follow up appointment - and I couldn't be more anxious to get it over with. I have been more than a little nervous about finding out my biopsy results.

Google isn't helping. If anything, it has further convinced me to prepare for the worst news tomorrow.

I am still doubting the surgeons decision not to biopsy or Get a MRI scan of this "Soft Tissue Mass" BEFORE taking it out.

I am no doctor, but I read that Biopsy and or MRI should be done instead of surgery on a suspicious mass.
Now my doctor said he thinks it is a lipoma- Which I'm hoping he didn't just say that to relax me.
From my research, (and yes - I have decided when you have now read over 20 hours of medical information- You can call it "Research") I have read that a soft tissue mass is considered suspicious if any of the following are true:
*The mass is over 5cm in size
*The Mass does not move freely under the skin
*The Mass that is deep in the tissue
*The mass is painful
- So not only does my Soft Tissue Mass fall into one of these categories....It COVERS ALL 4 CATEGORIES!
I have read up on soft tissue sarcomas. The doctor is right, these are very very rare.
But a few of these subtypes describe my mass.
LipoSarcomas is a malignant soft tissue mass that mimics a regular Lipoma.
Alveolar Soft Part Sarcoma scares me because they are found in the thigh and Buttock.
Fibrosarcoma is a firm lump that can occur anywhere in the body.

I have been so anxious this week. Anxiety through the friggin roof! Even after we (hopefully) get good news tomorrow, .... I still have to deal with this abnormal breast mammogram. I tried to schedule the ultrasound 3 times now. I was once again told that I would receive a call back and didn't.

I called the doctors office yesterday, Monday November 4, and told the receptionist that I had an appointment in 2 days but I was very worried about my biopsy results. I asked if they could tell me over the phone so I did t have to wait 2 more days and drive myself even more mad. The receptionist said she would leave a message for the nurse, but then said she wasn't sure if they can give that info over the phone. (And she had quite a snarky tone about my request). I insisted that I would be having mini panic attacks in the next 48 hours and would really appreciate the possibility of avoiding this. She said she would deliver the message.
....I never got a call back.

Then I called the source, the hospitals pathology department. I explained my dilemma. I also explained that my doctor will be leaving the country for the next month After my appointment. I told her that I know these biopsies can take some time, but was wondering if it was completed yet so at least i know if the doctor has the results. The tech was very compassionate. She transferred me to the pathology secretary that handles the requests, and gave me her number in case we got disconnected, or she wasn't available. The secretary was such a sweet woman. Again, very compassionate. She agreed to help any way she could, but said she cold not give me the results as the doctor has to be the one to inform me. She did tell me that my results were "Signed Out" on Friday November 1! She said that means the biopsy is complete and the results were sent electronically to the doctors office on November 1. She offered to also send a fax just in case.
ONE DAY BIOPSY TURNAROUND?
Wow, that is super duper fast!

My husband said that this should be good news. If it was something bad- they would need time to identify it, and also get second opinions from other pathologists.

Then Google got in my head. I researched fast biopsy turnaround and I read that the speed of the biopsy results depend on the severity of the diagnosis. Pathologists get the malignant results back to the doctors ASAP because they bump them up to the top of the pile.

Now I am so up and down that I'm nauseous.

My left hip bone has been hurting. it felt like bone for a while. i am also getting shooting pains down the back thigh which is also telling me it is my sciatic nerve.

Also, my incision is bleeding. They have steri-tape to close it up, so no stitches. Then they have that super thin skin like clear film tape over the whole thing. My husband told me to call the surgeon today and ask if we should leave it alone until tomorrow's appointment or can hubby change the dressing for me.
The receptionist said she will leave a message for the nurse, and she will call me back.

Hubby went out during my homeschool lessons with my little one. He took my phone with him.
I got a text that said "Doc office called. They said leave it aloneness until your appt tomorrow."

So I replied "OK.... No biopsy results?"
....I got nothing.
I texted back "Babe?"

About ten minutes later hubby came back home. I said "Babe, I texted you?"
He said "Yeah, Sorry. Just got it 5 min ago."
Then he said nothing.
I said "Well?..... Did she give you my results?"
He paused and said "um, no, no."

The rest of the day he looked like he wasn't present mentally. Like he was unfocused. I'm hoping this has more to do with stress than it does to do with that phone call.

I am praying that I am looking too much I to this. I am praying that my intuition is way off this time. I am praying that my research is completely wrong.

I would rather be a nutty fool that was semi paranoid for a fatty lump than than have my worst fears come true.
We will see tomorrow. My appointment is at 10am.

October Sucks

November 1, 2013
11:50pm

Well, My pain in the ass Larry Lump is gone, now replaced with the healing kind of pain in the ass.

My day was far from typical. Horrible actually.
The night before surgery, my beautiful doggie Tyson took a turn for the worst. He was in pain, A Lot of pan. He was howling in pain dispute the strong pain killers. My poor hubs stayed by his side all night long. Carrying our 135 pound puppy where ever he wanted to go. My hubs finally told me at 3 am to try and get some sleep since surgery was at 6:30am.

At 5 am I woke up to see my husband still half awake sitting in the chair and my baby boy panting with a soft cry on a mattress we put on the living room floor.

After my shower, my husband carried my puppy into my bed where he finally fell asleep.
I almost cancelled again, but he did fall asleep.

My husband dropped my older teen daughter at the bus by 6:15am, then I kissed my little baby, and left for the hospital.

I had to pay up before I was registered then I went into the surgery area. They asked my husband to wait while I got in my gown and got an I'VE started, which took about 20 minutes.

I had an awesome nurse, Trina, who reminded me a lot of my best friend Christina in high school.
She called my husband back and then we waited.

I met with the doctor, and he used a marker to draw an outline of Larry Lump.
I met with the anesthesiologist that asked a bunch of questions, then told me the run down. He I formed me that he will give me a cocktail of "Happy Juice", to relax me before they took me in. He would then give me the knock out cocktail. Once I am out, he will have to put a tube in my throat to breath for me, so I may have a soar throat when I wake.
I was the second surgery, and so I went in about 8:30am.
They gave me something in my IV to help with nausea from surgery.
I never had a warning about the Happy juice and suddenly I felt drunk.
I remember laughing and ask g if I was given the happy stuff, then the nurse and my hubs started laughing.
So I started laughing.
I don't remember my husband leaving, but the next thing I remember is being wheeled thru the halls and into the OR.
I remember them giving me a Oxygen mask, but it didn't sit right on my face, so I kept messing with it. Then I remember thinking it was sucking my face, so I began to bite it. Lol.
I remember waiting for the "countdown", and I remember thinking of doing it with style by counting backwards by skipping twos. But- I don't remember anything else. No count down, no prep.

The next thing I remember was a nurse asking if I wanted coffee or apple juice. I said apple. Then she asked if I wanted a graham cracker, which I took.

My hubs was there a moment later. Then some doctor, (not mine) gave me discharge papers and asked if I had any questions. I asked two things:
How big was Larry, and how long for the Biopsy.
He stepped away then came back and said the doctor already left.
He said he doesn't know the size, but said it had 3 nodules and was hopefully a Lipoma.
He said Nodules??
He asked me to make an appointment within one week for a follow up.
I vaguely remember having a convo with a volunteer about the Red Sox as he wheeled me out to my husband in the car.
I don't remember much of the ride home, but I do remember feeling nauseous.
I got home, kissed my little one, checked on my puppy and went to bed.
I woke up a bit later by hearing my puppy crying again.

My husband and I knew it was time to end his suffering. I called his vet that said they couldn't doing it until the following night at 8pm. There was no way we cold make him suffer any longer. I called back to see if there was anything else, and they referred me to their "sister" hospital.
They heard my boy crying in the background d and took us right away.

It's a bit foggy since I still had the anesthesia and pain killers in me, but I insisted on going with my husband.
I don't want to talk much about it, but he went peaceful.
I told my little one that he needed to spend the night at the vet because he was in pain. I didn't want to lie to her, but she went thru a really rough week for a 6 year old. She heard her puppy crying all night. She had to worry about me having surgery, she had to go trick or treating with her sister and without me and dad. I didn't need to ruin Halloween for her anymore.

So today is the day after. My other dog is looking for my big boy all day. I still haven't told my little one. I will have to tell her tomorrow.

As for me, I am sore. My ass bone hurts. And I can't get comfortable. The lump is gone, but I do have swelling in a separate location next to Larry's spot. The incision is pretty big, like 2 inches!

I can't get it wet for 72 hours.
My throat does hurt, and I keep coughing up flem that I didn't have before.

So, October Sucked! Hopefully November will be filled with all good luck, and no more bad news.

Countdown

Wednesday October 30, 2013 @ 10:00pm

I am quite please on how "on top of things" this master procrastinator has been this week!
I am really trying to stick my my promise that I made my hubs and kids that I will fix all my health problems this year! Ok, so I know it is alreadyoctober, but better late than never, right?

I went to the radiology place today and picked up my mammogram report and cd for my doctor. Then I headed over to the doctor. Had my Pap Smear as part of my "taking care of me" promise to my family.
I spoke with the Physicians Assistant about my abnormal mammogram. She said that an ultrasound makes better sense as a followup to my abnormal mammogram because I have dense tissue and I am young.
She also ordered a transvaginal/ transabdominal sonogram for my endometriosis. She explained that I really do need to see a GYN soon.
My mammogram report says that I have scattered Fibroglandular density. It also says Focal Asymmetric Density. Not positive what that means but it says it is in the lower inner quadrant of the right breast.
Either way- I need to deal with one health issue at a time. Right now- Larry Lump needs to be evicted. I have to stop eating after midnight. My husband will drop my teenaged daughter off at the bus stop at 6:05am- and when he gets back, we will leave.
I have to be at the hospital at 6:30am- and I am scheduled for surgery at 8:00am. The nurse said it shouldn't be much longer than an hour.
I just can't wait for this to all be over with. I am tired of being nervous. I am tired of worrying. I need to relax. So my next post will be post -op, no pun intended. Lol.
Wish me luck!
See you on the other side!

Not much info

October 30, 2013

Didn't get much sleep last night.  Neither did my husband. We actually were both up on and off till sunrise.  I kept pretending to sleep, hoping he would finally close his eyes, but no luck.

So I called the Radiology place this morning. I explained that I received a letter stating that I need further evaluation of my right breast and I wanted to schedule the diagnostic mammogram. 

The woman said that I needed to speak to my doctor to determine the next step. She said the radiology report states I need an ultrasound- which would need to be ordered with my doctor. 

She told me to stop by today to get the report and CD for my doctor. 

It is now 10:10am. Doctors appointment is 12:40pm. 

I also called the surgeons office. I asked if there were any other tests that I need to have done before tomorrow's surgery- she said no- just wait for the hospitals call to inform me of the surgery time.  

I'm trying so hard not to be nervous. 

But it's getting really difficult. It's easier to pretend to be brave when others are around. 

Further Evaluation?

Tuesday October 29, 2013

Today was a weird day.  I have been very tired lately.  I think it has to do with getting over this damn cold, the change of weather and stress.  I have been sleeping great, which is good news, but I have been so lazy and tired- which is never good news.

Hubby took my 6 year old out today to buy her Halloween Costume, and then to play at the playground at Chick-Fill-A- just to give me time to myself.  I chose to clean up- because the house was so messy it was beginning to cry out for help!

The hubs called me to say he was stopping at Walmart for some stuff we needed.  As I was straightening up- I came across a pile of mail that someone brought in but hadn't been opened yet.

I see 2 envelopes from the radiology place, one for me, one for mom.  I just assumed they were bills for co-payments.  I opened them up to see what the damage was.

The first was for my mom- It was a letter saying that her Mammogram was normal and reminded her to have another one next year.

Next was mine.  I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow, which I was expecting to get the results then.

I opened the letter expecting to see the same words, same format- but with my name.  I stead the letter reads:

"Your screening mammogram performed on October 18, 2013, shows the need for further evaluation of your right breast.   We would like you to have a follow-up right breast diagnostic mammogram." 

So- Im freaking out.   I call my husband- who tells me it's probably nothing, maybe a cyst or scar tissue.  He calms me down some.   I thanked him for calming me down, and I explained that why I called him- because he is the level headed one.

He got home 5 minutes later, speeding I bet.  We made small talk about their Daddy / Daughter Date.  I started dishing out dinner, pretending to not worry.  Waiting to see what he does.
He waited less than 3 minutes, then asked to see the letter.  The deep breath that he took let me know that his calmness was all a bluff.   A good bluff, but I call BullShit!

I know this man 22 years.  We have been together for almost 20, married for 13 years.  I-know-this-man! My love is putting on his "don't worry about it" face, while I can see panic in his eyes.

So- that's when I get brave.   We can't both be worried, and It is selfish of me to Not let him think this through.  He doesn't know that I know he is worried.  And he will feel like he has failed if I let on that I am worried.  So, ironically- I'm not worried.  I change the subject, tell him Im sure its just scar tissue, and put on the TV.

I am worried, but I don't think this is anything.  It's strange, but Im more worried about this Larry Lump in my ass cheek, than the abnormal mammogram results.

So- here is the plan:  I will call the radiology place in the morning and schedule the diagnostic mammogram.  I will go to my doctor in the afternoon and ask for more detailed results of the mammogram.  Then I will go in for surgery the next day.  I will not worry until there is something to worry about.  And until then, I will do my best to keep my family calm and in great spirits.

Everything else is out of my control.
And I can only control what is in my power to do so.
Now, I'm tired. So goodnight.