Countdown

Wednesday October 30, 2013 @ 10:00pm

I am quite please on how "on top of things" this master procrastinator has been this week!
I am really trying to stick my my promise that I made my hubs and kids that I will fix all my health problems this year! Ok, so I know it is alreadyoctober, but better late than never, right?

I went to the radiology place today and picked up my mammogram report and cd for my doctor. Then I headed over to the doctor. Had my Pap Smear as part of my "taking care of me" promise to my family.
I spoke with the Physicians Assistant about my abnormal mammogram. She said that an ultrasound makes better sense as a followup to my abnormal mammogram because I have dense tissue and I am young.
She also ordered a transvaginal/ transabdominal sonogram for my endometriosis. She explained that I really do need to see a GYN soon.
My mammogram report says that I have scattered Fibroglandular density. It also says Focal Asymmetric Density. Not positive what that means but it says it is in the lower inner quadrant of the right breast.
Either way- I need to deal with one health issue at a time. Right now- Larry Lump needs to be evicted. I have to stop eating after midnight. My husband will drop my teenaged daughter off at the bus stop at 6:05am- and when he gets back, we will leave.
I have to be at the hospital at 6:30am- and I am scheduled for surgery at 8:00am. The nurse said it shouldn't be much longer than an hour.
I just can't wait for this to all be over with. I am tired of being nervous. I am tired of worrying. I need to relax. So my next post will be post -op, no pun intended. Lol.
Wish me luck!
See you on the other side!

Not much info

October 30, 2013

Didn't get much sleep last night.  Neither did my husband. We actually were both up on and off till sunrise.  I kept pretending to sleep, hoping he would finally close his eyes, but no luck.

So I called the Radiology place this morning. I explained that I received a letter stating that I need further evaluation of my right breast and I wanted to schedule the diagnostic mammogram. 

The woman said that I needed to speak to my doctor to determine the next step. She said the radiology report states I need an ultrasound- which would need to be ordered with my doctor. 

She told me to stop by today to get the report and CD for my doctor. 

It is now 10:10am. Doctors appointment is 12:40pm. 

I also called the surgeons office. I asked if there were any other tests that I need to have done before tomorrow's surgery- she said no- just wait for the hospitals call to inform me of the surgery time.  

I'm trying so hard not to be nervous. 

But it's getting really difficult. It's easier to pretend to be brave when others are around. 

Further Evaluation?

Tuesday October 29, 2013

Today was a weird day.  I have been very tired lately.  I think it has to do with getting over this damn cold, the change of weather and stress.  I have been sleeping great, which is good news, but I have been so lazy and tired- which is never good news.

Hubby took my 6 year old out today to buy her Halloween Costume, and then to play at the playground at Chick-Fill-A- just to give me time to myself.  I chose to clean up- because the house was so messy it was beginning to cry out for help!

The hubs called me to say he was stopping at Walmart for some stuff we needed.  As I was straightening up- I came across a pile of mail that someone brought in but hadn't been opened yet.

I see 2 envelopes from the radiology place, one for me, one for mom.  I just assumed they were bills for co-payments.  I opened them up to see what the damage was.

The first was for my mom- It was a letter saying that her Mammogram was normal and reminded her to have another one next year.

Next was mine.  I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow, which I was expecting to get the results then.

I opened the letter expecting to see the same words, same format- but with my name.  I stead the letter reads:

"Your screening mammogram performed on October 18, 2013, shows the need for further evaluation of your right breast.   We would like you to have a follow-up right breast diagnostic mammogram." 

So- Im freaking out.   I call my husband- who tells me it's probably nothing, maybe a cyst or scar tissue.  He calms me down some.   I thanked him for calming me down, and I explained that why I called him- because he is the level headed one.

He got home 5 minutes later, speeding I bet.  We made small talk about their Daddy / Daughter Date.  I started dishing out dinner, pretending to not worry.  Waiting to see what he does.
He waited less than 3 minutes, then asked to see the letter.  The deep breath that he took let me know that his calmness was all a bluff.   A good bluff, but I call BullShit!

I know this man 22 years.  We have been together for almost 20, married for 13 years.  I-know-this-man! My love is putting on his "don't worry about it" face, while I can see panic in his eyes.

So- that's when I get brave.   We can't both be worried, and It is selfish of me to Not let him think this through.  He doesn't know that I know he is worried.  And he will feel like he has failed if I let on that I am worried.  So, ironically- I'm not worried.  I change the subject, tell him Im sure its just scar tissue, and put on the TV.

I am worried, but I don't think this is anything.  It's strange, but Im more worried about this Larry Lump in my ass cheek, than the abnormal mammogram results.

So- here is the plan:  I will call the radiology place in the morning and schedule the diagnostic mammogram.  I will go to my doctor in the afternoon and ask for more detailed results of the mammogram.  Then I will go in for surgery the next day.  I will not worry until there is something to worry about.  And until then, I will do my best to keep my family calm and in great spirits.

Everything else is out of my control.
And I can only control what is in my power to do so.
Now, I'm tired. So goodnight.

Halloween

So- Tuesday's surgery was a no go. I prepared, didn't eat after midnight, followed all the rules. But I woke up early- felt ok....took my temperature  "just in case", and I had a fever!

100.3 to be exact. 

So Halloween it is.  

I have had other things to focus on the past two days. Besides being sick, my big boy Tyson (Great Dane / Boxer mix) isn't doing too well. He is 11 and limping. Doc told us its Bone Cancer. So we have been keeping him pampered, Happy and Stoned on his puppy pain killers. 

Larry has been more of a Pain IN MY ASS than usual.  Every day seems to be a bit stronger. It's like a piercing burning pain straight to my thigh bone. 

I'm still concerned about Larry the Lump. I keep thinking that I'm going to read something that will ease my mind. But from what I have gathered- 

Lipoma's move freely under the skin....this doesn't. 

Lipoma's rarely grow over 5cm......this is much bigger.

The cancerous form of this type of mass is called a Sarcoma. There are different types.  I am praying I am wrong. 

I just have this feeling. I can't shake it. I do t know how the hell I can handle it all if this comes back malignant. My amazing husband does not deserve to have to deal with this.  He has handled himself and this family on such strong shoulders.  I love him more than life itself. There has NEVER Been ANY Other!  He is now and always has been "THE ONE"!  

I wish the world could share 1 percent if our love- It would be a much better place to live. 

My Husband is a very handsome, strong, caring, sexy, generous, Hysterically Funny, Brave, thoughtful man. But he has his "other" side. Just put it this way- you never want to make him switch on the "other side". He puts me and my girls in front if everything and everyone in earth. That sounds cliché, but it is literally Me and the girls on one side-  the universe on the other with him holding between us. 

A man like that is extremely rare. Many try to act the type- but he is just programmed this way. I NEVER have to worry about any physical threat. I have never been afraid of a noise in the night,  or a shady guy coming towards us on a dark street. I am very grateful that I have never ever had those fears. 

Instead- I only fear things that could break him- and it isn't much. 

I am afraid that if this comes back bad- It will rip him up because in his mind -he couldn't "protect" me from this. 

Call it intuition- but I have a bad feeling about this. And now I have another 8 days to wait. In the meantime- I am going to kick this colds Ass, and finally get out of the house tomorrow with the kids. 

Quality time outdoors is just what I need. 

Cancelled, Rescheduled.....Limbo

I woke up this morning (Monday) not feeling great. I had stuffy nose and was a bit dizzy. But I always feel dizzy after NyQuil.

I called the surgeon at 11am and told the nurse I caught a bit of a cold. She didn't ask for my symptoms, and just said "The doctor said we need to reschedule". I pleaded that I had no fever, and zero congestion. But she said "Doctor said to reschedule, so we reschedule".
The Only days that I could reschedule for was either October 31 which as we all know is Halloween, or on November 5 which is my daughters 17 birthday. I reluctantly chose Halloween.

Funny thing is, throughout the day I felt better and better. So at about 6pm, I called the doctors office back to see if they can put me back on. The answering service said my doctor was not on call and could not reach him.

I called the Hospital and spoke to an awesome nurse named Cathy. She tried everything, but said she could not schedule me without speaking to the doctor.

Her advise was to prepare for surgery. Not to eat or drink after midnight. The doctor was scheduled for surgery at 7:30 am. She told me to call before then to see if he could still fit me in.

So now Im in limbo. It's after midnight, so o food or water for me. I feel good, I had my last spritz of Zicam 5 minutes ago. My left nostril is a bit congested- but that's it.

So- Hopefully my next post will be "Mission Accomplished".
Night.

Sick!

Both my girls had a nasty cold/flu all week.  By some miracle   - My hubs and I did NOT catch it.....Until last night that is! 

 It all Started at about 2am- burning nose, sniffles.  

First thing this morning (Sunday October 20) I ran to Walgreens and bout Zicam spray. 

It's comically really- I rush to Walgreens in my PJ's in this urgent mission to kill these germs so my surgery isn't postponed for the second time....Yet I am so cheap (actually I prefer FRUGAL), that I made time to grab 2 flyers, compare products and clip 2 seep rate coupons to knock 40% off the price (Fist pump-YES!!!). 

So I get the Zicam- don't read All o te directions- and do 4 squirts in my mouth.  

Suddenly I'm not only dizzy, have a burning nose- But I'm super weak and feel like up chucking. 

I lay down- close my eyes. 2 hours later, I am actually feeling better! 

I re-read the directions and now suddenly see the part I skipped over - Do Not Take On An Empty Stomach!

Hubs went to the store to pick up dinner ingredients and also got fresh ginger root and lemons. 

I grated some ginger, added fresh squeezed lemon juice, dark honey and aTangerine  Herbal tea bag. I drank a cup and took it easy. 

While making dinner- my energy rushed right out of me. I was suddenly really weak, dizzy and desperately needed to lay down. Hubs complies- finishes cooking while my little kid set the table and my big kid dished it out and served.  (Did I mention how AMAZING My hubs and kids are?)

I barely ate- chills set in. I managed to eat a few bites of hubs fantastic capreese salad. 

Now I'm in bed at 9pm- took / NyQuil gel caps, 4 squirts of Zicam and am trying to get my body relaxed and tired to sleep. 

Now I have to call the surgeon tomorrow to see if I can still have surgery. My body aches, nose burned and have the chills. 

Fingers crossed! 

NyQuil is kicking in. Night! 

Pre-Op Done

Today I had to go into the hospital to have all of the Pre-Op testing completed.  The directions said to show up between 10 am and 3 pm, and of course being the procrastinator that I am- I waited until 2pm to stroll in.

The tests included blood work up of CBC, CMP, pregnancy test, a urine test and some other initial coded tests that I don't remember.

All in all it was pretty and quick and painless- except for the part where the Intake lady tells me that I have to pay $250 co pay for my surgery the morning of my surgery, which is now only 5 days from now.  I was not expecting that.  I thought for sure there would be a bill of some sort, but not a $250 co-pay!! That's what I get for not paying attention to my health plan.

Not to give too much personal info, but in the spirit of full disclosure:  my urine was REALLY Orange looking.  So, I need to up my water intake!

My mom, 70 years old, is just as bad at keeping up on her health.  She has moved in with me one year ago.  She came for a visit last year and I was in absolute shock- she only weighed 63 pounds!  Absolute skin and bone! She was wasting away.  Now, she is 104 pounds and in great shape.

Moms doctor has been asking for her to go thru the routine tests- mammogram.  Mom and I were talking about my upcoming surgery and I mentioned that this wouldn't be as scary as it is if I didn't neglect my health.  I said it wouldn't have grown to the size of a handball if I took care of it right away like I was supposed to.  I mentioned that I never had my mammogram that my doctor ordered last year either.  So Mom, being awesome, said "I'll go, if you go!"
So I called to schedule it, and we are having mother/daughter mammograms together tomorrow.

After the pre-op, I spent the rest of my day keeping busy.  Spending time with my family.  Finished teaching my little one her language arts classes.  Made an awesome roast beef for dinner.  We ate, then sat down for an episode of "The Walking Dead"- (we JUST got into it).

Now, at bedtime, is when I have time to think.  i have time to wonder.  which means I have time to worry.  I wonder how long it takes for the biopsy to come back.  ......Won't be soon enough.

....Malignancy is Very Rare

Went to the doctor today. My Hubs went with me, as he usually does. 

We were in the waiting room and my hubs started looking around. He got fixated on a plaque  on the wall.  

He came rushing over to me with a smirk on his face and said in his tough Brooklyn brogue "Babe, we got NOTHIN to be scared of. This Doc is the Real Deal! He is on the medical board for the hospital you are going to- and better yet- he is on the board for the American Cancer Society!  So he is well aware of malignancies and he would tell you right away if he thought this was something to worry about!"   

So I eased up a bit.

Nurse took me in right away. I st on the table, an my hubs say in the too-tiny-for-him chair.  The nurse asked me my height, to which I replied 5'4".  She the asked my weight. I said "we are married 13 years, together almost 20.  I am not about to blurt out my weight for the first time in front of my husband- so I will have to tell you in your ear!"  She laughed, he laughed. And I divulged my secret weight into this strange woman's ear.

The Nurse wrapped a blood pressure device around my left wrist and filed my left hand up to touch my right shoulder then asked me not to move or talk, which was nearly impossible for me to do for the whole 60 seconds. 

She then handed me a not-so-attractive blue robe and asked me to change. I asked if it needs to be open in the back- and she said "It doesn't matter- as long as you two behave yourself and don't fool around in here". 

Lol. 

The doctor and a young intern came in.  He remembered that Larry was quite large, but needed to look at him again. He pinched and poked then said "No problem- we can take this out in the hospital. It is very very deep."  

My husband interjected that I am quite nervous and wanted a biopsy done first. 

The doctor replied that it is Very Very rare for these rumors to be malignant- but he will do a biopsy after the surgery. It needs to come out- so he will remove it all, then do the biopsy. 

This time Betty bump was hiding. I assured him that it isn't bothering me now- so he said we will leave it be. 

I scheduled the surgery for next Tuesday, October 22. Pre-Op blood work will be tomorrow. 

So I am less nervous and more optimistic. 

But something is telling me not to get my hopes up. 

Today's the Day

I leave in just under 2 hours to see the general surgeon. I am hoping he does a biopsy first. It just makes sense.

Both my daughters have been sick the past few days. My big one took Mon and Tues off and just went back to school today. My little one had a high fever of 103.3 two nights ago. She fell asleep early last night which means she was up at 3am....which means I had zero sleep last night.
So right now My hubby and baby girl are both asleep in the living room. I will wake them in an hour.

At night I begin to feel this throbbing under Larry and in my left knee. I'm thinking its just because Larry lump is pressing on something when I lay in bed.
I know I shouldn't, but I read this whole medical document last night on the "whoops" factor. Apparently too many general surgeons are too cocky to take a biopsy first and assure the patients they are positive the lump is a lipoma even though There is no way to tell without a biopsy. So the surgeon cuts out the lump, sends it for biopsy. On the cases that the biopsy comes back malignant- the surgeon is surprised and now "whoops"- the patient has to go through another surgery to take out surrounding tissue that could contain cancer cells.

Whoops Surgeries
A study in the UK finds that "The most significant factors affecting survival were grade (high versus low) and depth of the tumour" and the expertise of the treatment center.2 In this study, the argument is made that patients have better outcomes at large hospital centers largely because local control is much better.2 In performing surgery to remove a sarcoma, it is extremely important to remove the entire tumor and surrounding tissue to achieve a wide margin between cancerous cells and healthy tissue. There's even a name for one of the common errors, in which the surgeon performs a "whoops" procedure.2 According to the authors, "This is when a lump is excised, usually with little forethought and without a biopsy and the surgeon is then surprised when the pathologist reports it as a sarcoma (hence the term 'whoops') .... most authors now agree that wide re-excision to obtain clear margins is necessary as residual tumour will be found in anything between 30 and 60% of cases."2 Needless to say, one surgery is preferable to two surgeries especially where the second one is totally avoidable. Local recurrence (LR) rates are much lower when the surgery is done correctly.

God, I pray this is just a Lipoma.

Tomorrow.....

Tomorrow is my appointment with my general surgeon.  I am anxious, but calm.  Ironically, today was a fantastic day for me.  I guess writing my feelings, my anticipations, my anxieties, and my fears down last night on this blog lead me to a calm place and clear mind.  After I finished my post I laid in bed for hours thinking.
And this is what I came up with:
Worst case scenerio- What if it is Cancer?  Then I ran the scenarios around in my head.  I imagined  how strong I knew my husband would be.  I teared at how I would need to be strong for my girls.  How I would hate the Pity calls, and having to tell those I still feel close enough to be in my life - over and over again. I wondered what my chances would be if it was cancer.
After I imagined all the  "What If" scenarios - I Imagned the "What Then"-  Chemo?, Radiation? , Surgery?
I planed how I would live very day out to the fullest. I would appreciate every last moment with my Amazing Husband, and my Awesome daughters.  I would Smile more, and worry less.  I would sing, and joke.  I wouldn't procrastinate because I would finally appreciate the value of every single moment in Time.
Then I had a reality check-
Why the HELL would I need to wait for Horrible News, To Live Life Meaningful?
LIVE LIFE NOW!!!

So I woke up, and got busy living.  I smiled more, I laughed more, I relaxed more and Worried Less! And I noticed something- I was UP TIGHT!
I also noticed that when I lightened up- so did everyone around me.  I never realized the power I held.  I never realized that my mood directly effected those around me.
The outcome was awesome!  Laughter all day long.  My Mom was singing- Singing!!! My husband and kids were laughing and joking, and I felt , well, frisky! ( which my husband did not mind at all ;0)
So- this is my prerogative- I May or may not have cancer- but Larry Lump has showed me a new way to appreciate life.  We ALL have an expiration date marked on us from the moment we are born- how arrogant of us to waste one precious moment because we don't know when our time is up.
Like my Dad always said, only so many clicks to a light switch, no body knows when that light will burn out.  Maybe click #5,000, or maybe #5,000,000.  Don't waste the clicks.
I will not waste one more click!

Introducing Larry and Betty

I'm a 36 year old happily married Wife and Mom of 2 beautiful girls.
I hope I am starting to write this for absolutely NO reason, but I have a feeling......

I have a LARGE Lump (Larry Lump) on my left Ass cheek.  It is BIg, It Is Deep.  I can grab it with my entire palm, and then some. I measure it today with a fabric measuring tape.  I got 9cm by 7cm on the surface.

And then there is Betty.  Betty is a small Bump, also on the left side, but located in my Dimple area of my lower back.

I finally had the courage to go to the doctor in July this year to have Larry checked out.  First I went to my family doctor.  He encouraged me to stop being a chicken and go get it checked out.  He did actually scare me by telling me "It's probably NOtHiNg- But if you leave Nothing alone long enough, it will become something!"

Im a "Strike while the Iron is Hot" kinda girl, So THAT Scared the crap out of me and I immediately went to a General surgeon in my city.  Nice older gentleman.  My hubby was with me, as always, so that took the pressure off a bit.  I stripped down, put on the paper robe and then shamelessly showed my Lumpy Ass off to this nice elderly doctor.  He squeezed, poked, pinched and finally gave me a temp tat by drawing on my Ass.

He said "It's probably nothing, a lipoma, but we will take it out just as well.  I found a little bit of relief with his words, and then showed him my Betty Bump.  The doctor said since Larry is very deep, he will have to put me under anesthesia in the hospital, and he will take out Larry and Betty.
I scheduled the surgery for 3 weeks from then.

Side story- my health has really sucked the past few years.  After having my daughter in 2006- I began to have terrible pains in my pelvis.  After many visits, and sonograms, and a liproscopic surgery for scar tissue, I had my left ovary and tube removed and there was a large endometriosis mass attaching my organs.  The doctor couldn't get it all as it is deep in my pelvic wall, so every month I am in A LOT of pain before, during and immediately after my period.  Which is why I Hate going to doctors and which is why I have neglected my health and let Larry grow so big.

Back to the story- when time came for my Larry Lumpectomy- Mother Nature had other plans, and I was doubled over with my monthly hell.  I cancelled the surgery, and said I would call back to reschedule......which I didn't.  (Remember- Strike while the iron is hot?)

So Now it's October.  I have begun to have pain in my ass.  Larry has grown.  I feel this throbbing dull pain from my lump, down my thigh.  My Knee is also hurting, but I'm not sure if its from Larry pressing on a nerve, or because I have been sleeping with my knees bent every night because my 135 pound Doggie has insisted on sleeping my my knees laying the opposite way every night.

So- I decided to reschedule the surgery, and the person in Charge of scheduling says I have to come back in to see the doctor.  So I have been thinking- I'm not too cool with the whole "Cut first- Biopsy later" technique.  Shouldn't they have to do a Biopsy FIRST?  I don't know much about malignancies- but one thing I always remembered is when you cut into the C word - it spreads.

I now have an appointment in 2 days. I have many questions before the knife hits my skin.
I just have a feeling.... And I pray that I Am WRONG!