Cape Crusader

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

As a part of my "Mommy Check Up" promised to my husband and kids- Today was my ultrasound appointment. I was supposed to 2 ultrasounds: One Pelvic to monitor my Endometriosis, and one on my right breast- as a follow up to that abnormal Mammogram.

Last night I was thinking of my ultrasound and decided to give myself a self breast exam. I USED to do them every month. That was when I used o eat right, excersizes and actually take care of myself....you know, ironically Before I had kids.
So it was bed time and I decided to feel the boob for this "Abnormality".  When I laid flat on my back, Holy Shit! I actually did feel something in my right breast.!  It was on the lower, inner quadrant of the right breast- right where the mammogram said here was an abnormality.
Surely I was feeling it because I was looking for it......, right?
It must be imaginary........,  right?
I decided this was not real, coyld not possibly be real and I went to sleep.

I had the original Mammogram done at IMA. After my doctor ordered the ultrasound I tried for 9 days to make the ultrasound appointment with IMA and for some reason they kept telling me they had to call me back. I finally got thru and they made the appointment for a week and a half from then.
Something told me to choose another place.  I took it as a sign.

I have lived here now for 2.5 years and never noticed "The Breast Center" until just a few weeks ago. So I gave them a call and set it up.

I was not worried about this. In fact, since I found out that Larry Lump was benign, I have been on cloud 9!

I actually forgot about today's appointment - that is until my husband asked what time the appointment was.

I was really not worried.

An hour before I left, I was dancing around my living room with my 6 year old to Edith Piaf (she has a strangely beautiful cultured side and is fascinated with old French music).

So, I was Really NOT worried.

I kissed my baby goodbye, thanked Nana for watching her, texted my 17 year old that I can not pick her up at the bus stop today. She wished me luck and we left.

My husband a was a bit uptight on the drive. He was so angry at the slow moving traffic. I lightened the mood my talking about stupid news.

We pulled up to the hospital- the same one where Larry Lump was just evicted 2 weeks ago.

We went in and I was directed to the Out Patient desk. I told her I had 2 ultrasounds scheduled. She said that the breast center wants me first, then when I am done, I can go to her to have the pelvic ultrasound done.

She directed me to The Breast Center. My husband came with me, as always. I signed in and filled out my papers. A lady came within 5 minutes to take me. She said "he has to stay here." And my husband said "ok, how long should she be?" And the lady smiled and said "30 minutes tops".

I kissed him goodbye. And followed her through a waiting room into a changing area. She asked me to take off my top and bra, offed me a locker and handed me a Cape.

That's right, a CAPE.
She even said "The Cape snaps to the front"

This was not a Gown, Not a Robe..,,It was a Cape! Atoo-short-to-cover-everything- Sea Green Poncho!
I put on my super cape, put my white tee shirt and white sports bra in my locker and walked into the attached waiting room where 2 other caped women were sitting.
I impulsively decided to try to make a funny entrance and said "So Can I Join the Caped Crusader Team?" They all nervously chuckled.

It was originally three other women, but one got called promptly.
The two other women that were left sat in silence. There was a TV on, but I can see no one was listening or watching it.
I nervously grabbed a Magazine and flipped thru from back to front,  which is my usual annoying habit.
Although I wasn't reading, just looking through, I couldn't if I tried because my leg was shaking nervously.

I then noticed that my fellow crusaders were trembling with me in harmony.

I still felt out of place a bit. - which is a good thing at "The Breast Center".

The woman that was sitting across from me was maybe 48, 49 years old. She had very short - Back shiny hair. It was all spiked and plunked up in the back. The front was parted to the side and was slicked  down in a stylish hairdo. Very Punk Modern.

The other woman was much older, maybe 65, 66. She was thin with very short grey hair, like a ot cut. I noticed she had similar purple sweat pants like mine.

Then I noticed something else that separated them from me- The Cape.
They both had the cape tucked neatly between their arms and body- almost like sleeves.
It was then that I realized hat they were not rookies at this- I was.

Our nervous tapping had become louder, or maybe it just appeared that way to me.
I decided to break the silence with a joke and said "They should pump a sedative in the room as a courtesy". And I motioned to our shaking loud legs.
The grey haired woman said "Yes they should!" And then we all nervously chuckled.

That's when the silence was broken like a door being shattered.
The punk haired lady said "If you think this is bad, wait until you take that long walk thru the hallway maze not a pitch black room that is lined with illuminated pictures of your body and the guy in the white coat tells you you have Cancer. That's the room that needs a sedative. At least this room still has hope.

I didn't know how to react. I'm not sure how I did react. The next 20 minutes was no longer silent. Both women talked about having breast cancer. I heard words like Mastectomy, lumpectomy, Core Biopsy, Chemo, and Radiation.

I felt sorry for those women. But I knew I was not in their club. I was just an outsider passing by.
My name was called and I was wished good luck.

I was brought in a room with a mammogram machine. I was a bit confused because I only had orders for an ultrasound. The tech said "After seeing your Mammogram and the report, The doctor (radiologist) wants to do a diagnostic mammogram with spot comparison. You probably won't need the ultrasound after this."

She gave me a lead apron to put around my waist. Then I went to the Bobbie squeezing machine. I'm not sure if it is just me, but the diagnostic mammogram seemed to hurt a lot more.
She took many shots. She squeezed me side ways, up and down, and each way on a diagonal. She asked me to go into the waiting room. My fellow crusaders were not there. I flipped open my magazine, and a new tech called me into the hallway. She told me that I now needed an ultrasound. She told me she is a positive person and would be thinking good things. She asked how I came to be there today and I explained my quest to have everything checked before the year is out for my family. I told her all about my 3 inch Larry lump that was removed 2 weeks ago. She told me that she thinks this will be scar tissue and nothing to worry about. She asked about my kids while she began her ultrasound....which was enough to distract me. I told her that I have two beautiful, amazing daughters 6 and 17. She told me I didn't look old enough to have a 17 year old- and so I told her that she is adopted. I explained our whole story to her and before I knew it, the ultrasound was over. She told me that she will show the ultrasound to the doctor and he would tell me the suits before I leave. She was reassuring and said she believes it is just scar tissue.
She walked me back to my waiting room. I flipped my parenting magazine back open- backwards of course. 5 minutes pass and she calls me back into the hallway.
She kindly says that the doctor wants to do a "Live View" Ultrasound- which means he wants to be in the room and see the ultrasound himself.
Now I begin to get nervous.
I walk in, lay down. Open my cape to allow my right breast escape. She kindly covers me with a towel.
The doctor enters, and I trounces himself.
He stands t me left, opposite the ultrasound machine.
He says " So how do you end up here at only 36 years old?"
I explained that I have neglected my health for a few years and.....
He chuckled and Interrupted me and said "You didn't neglect your health."
I continued " Well, I did- I had a 3 inch tumor removed from my buttock 2 weeks ago, that was growing for years, and thankfully it was benign"
I continued " My doctor ordered a baseline mammogram about a year ago, and I never got to it. I finally started getting everything checked and had it done"
He asked of family history of breast cancer- I said there was maybe an aunt on each side.
I did tell him that my endometriosis has led to me taking hormone replacement drugs, which increase my risk.
They started the ultrasound.
First the tech started. He pointed something out on the screen. She switched some knobs and made some colors appear. He took over and kept gong over the same spot. I explained that I felt something there last night. I pointed to the location and he said "yep- that's it"
He went back over the spot for about 15 minutes. He highlighted the spot and said "Duct" and I heard "micro-calcification"
He finished and said - "We'll- there is something there. I don't know what it is. It is not a cyst."
I asked if it could be a lipoma because I just had my third lipoma removed.
He said "I wish! But no, it's not. Breast tissue is made up of fat and muscle. This is neither. I would be able to see if it were a lipoma."

I said "So what is it?"

The doctor said "I wish I knew. It is attached to a duct. Now good thing is you are very young and have no significant family risk of breast cancer; like a mother or sister. So best case scenario is that it is a benign mass, there are many ATypical benign masses"
"Worst case scenario is cancer. It appears to look like a Ductal Carcinoma or Lobular Carcinoma."
"You are young, so I am thinking of two options. One is to keep an eye on its hitch would mean to be tested every 4-6 months for the next 2-3 years. The other way Is to do a biopsy. Again, age is on your side so I am hopeful of the results. But I don't want your age to sway my course of action. If you were older and had the same mass- No question would say to have a biopsy.
So I think you should have a biopsy. Would you be ok with that?"

I said "Well yea, I don't think I could wait months to keep an eye on it. I would rather know either way".
The doctor said "I think that is best. So we will have that scheduled"
I asked how soon and he said next week. He said it would be a ultrasound guided core biopsy.

Here is one of those words - "Core Biopsy"

I went and scheduled the biopsy. I looked at the time and it was now 3:30. I left my husband for this "30 minute test" at 2:00. Just then the phone rings. I hear "she is finishing up right now," and I knew my husband was worried.
Oh God. Now I have to tell him "Core Biopsy"

I get dressed. Compose myself and walk out. He is waiting in the hall and said "How did it go?"
I started to say "Babe I need a Bio-..." And began to cry. I buried my eyes in his chest.

We aimlessly walked I circles, neither of us knowing where we were going as I tried to explain it all. We finally found our way out. We walked to the car and I broke.

This is getting too real. He handles it like a prince. He tells me not to worry. He gives me a kiss. Holds my hand. We get home and I went in the bathroom. I cried. He knocked. I said "be right out" as my crying voice cracked.
We talked. He asked me for today's reports and I said they didn't give them to me. He asked me to call for them. I did, and was told they will be ready tomorrow.

He tells me not to worry. Even if it is cancer- We will handle it.

So now I need to wait and worry, worry and wait. Again.
And now I need sleep, but doubt I will get much.
Night.

2 best syllables ever!

BE-NIGN!

Those were the two best syllables to reach my ears since "Preg-Nant".

Oh My GOD- was I relieved! I almost could not believe it

The doctor said that the biopsy report came back "Benign Lipoma".
He said that it was 3 inches in diameter. Which is almost 8 cm.
The doctor also said it could grow back, or I can develop many more.

I let out a huge sign of relief. The doctor changed my sterri-strips, told me to come back in 2 weeks.

I gave my hubs a Huge kiss and hug and then finally told him just how worried I was.

Of course he gave me the speech that I should have not been so worried and threw my own words of advice back at me: "only worry when there is something to worry about".

I said "Im not sure why I am like this. I dont let things get to me most of the time- but I can not relax when it comes to health issues- whether it's mine, or any other loved ones."

He asked why. Well, I never really thought about it. So I took a minute to actually think. I wasn't li,e this as a kid. Not as a teen. But......ahhhh, it hit me! When my dad got sick!

I said " I guess when Dad got sick it blindsided me. My head was spinning because I didn't expect it. So now I need to know 'Worst Case Scenerio".

I need to prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

I guess all of my praying did it.

I texted my daughter to tell her the good news.

"Larry Lump Was Just A PUNK"

My husband told me to just knock the rest of the health concerns out quick. So I got right on it.
I called my Primary Doc to ask what my pap results were......they came back "inconclusive".

So I finally made an appointment with a GYN.

I called the radiology place to try for the 4th time in a week to schedule my right breast ultrasound and pelvic ultrasound....... They have to call me back.

So now I have to wait for the appointments.

But what sweet relief.
I feel as Moms, we need to take care of ourselves. We need to make sure that we are in good health in order to care for our kids. Kinda like when a plane is going down. You are supposed to strap the oxygen mask to yourself SO you can help others!

I have learned my lesson. I will not wait so long to take care of myself.

Thank you GOD for answering my prayers!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, is only a Day A-Way

Tuesday November 5, 2013
Bedtime

Tomorrow is my post surgery follow up appointment - and I couldn't be more anxious to get it over with. I have been more than a little nervous about finding out my biopsy results.

Google isn't helping. If anything, it has further convinced me to prepare for the worst news tomorrow.

I am still doubting the surgeons decision not to biopsy or Get a MRI scan of this "Soft Tissue Mass" BEFORE taking it out.

I am no doctor, but I read that Biopsy and or MRI should be done instead of surgery on a suspicious mass.
Now my doctor said he thinks it is a lipoma- Which I'm hoping he didn't just say that to relax me.
From my research, (and yes - I have decided when you have now read over 20 hours of medical information- You can call it "Research") I have read that a soft tissue mass is considered suspicious if any of the following are true:
*The mass is over 5cm in size
*The Mass does not move freely under the skin
*The Mass that is deep in the tissue
*The mass is painful
- So not only does my Soft Tissue Mass fall into one of these categories....It COVERS ALL 4 CATEGORIES!
I have read up on soft tissue sarcomas. The doctor is right, these are very very rare.
But a few of these subtypes describe my mass.
LipoSarcomas is a malignant soft tissue mass that mimics a regular Lipoma.
Alveolar Soft Part Sarcoma scares me because they are found in the thigh and Buttock.
Fibrosarcoma is a firm lump that can occur anywhere in the body.

I have been so anxious this week. Anxiety through the friggin roof! Even after we (hopefully) get good news tomorrow, .... I still have to deal with this abnormal breast mammogram. I tried to schedule the ultrasound 3 times now. I was once again told that I would receive a call back and didn't.

I called the doctors office yesterday, Monday November 4, and told the receptionist that I had an appointment in 2 days but I was very worried about my biopsy results. I asked if they could tell me over the phone so I did t have to wait 2 more days and drive myself even more mad. The receptionist said she would leave a message for the nurse, but then said she wasn't sure if they can give that info over the phone. (And she had quite a snarky tone about my request). I insisted that I would be having mini panic attacks in the next 48 hours and would really appreciate the possibility of avoiding this. She said she would deliver the message.
....I never got a call back.

Then I called the source, the hospitals pathology department. I explained my dilemma. I also explained that my doctor will be leaving the country for the next month After my appointment. I told her that I know these biopsies can take some time, but was wondering if it was completed yet so at least i know if the doctor has the results. The tech was very compassionate. She transferred me to the pathology secretary that handles the requests, and gave me her number in case we got disconnected, or she wasn't available. The secretary was such a sweet woman. Again, very compassionate. She agreed to help any way she could, but said she cold not give me the results as the doctor has to be the one to inform me. She did tell me that my results were "Signed Out" on Friday November 1! She said that means the biopsy is complete and the results were sent electronically to the doctors office on November 1. She offered to also send a fax just in case.
ONE DAY BIOPSY TURNAROUND?
Wow, that is super duper fast!

My husband said that this should be good news. If it was something bad- they would need time to identify it, and also get second opinions from other pathologists.

Then Google got in my head. I researched fast biopsy turnaround and I read that the speed of the biopsy results depend on the severity of the diagnosis. Pathologists get the malignant results back to the doctors ASAP because they bump them up to the top of the pile.

Now I am so up and down that I'm nauseous.

My left hip bone has been hurting. it felt like bone for a while. i am also getting shooting pains down the back thigh which is also telling me it is my sciatic nerve.

Also, my incision is bleeding. They have steri-tape to close it up, so no stitches. Then they have that super thin skin like clear film tape over the whole thing. My husband told me to call the surgeon today and ask if we should leave it alone until tomorrow's appointment or can hubby change the dressing for me.
The receptionist said she will leave a message for the nurse, and she will call me back.

Hubby went out during my homeschool lessons with my little one. He took my phone with him.
I got a text that said "Doc office called. They said leave it aloneness until your appt tomorrow."

So I replied "OK.... No biopsy results?"
....I got nothing.
I texted back "Babe?"

About ten minutes later hubby came back home. I said "Babe, I texted you?"
He said "Yeah, Sorry. Just got it 5 min ago."
Then he said nothing.
I said "Well?..... Did she give you my results?"
He paused and said "um, no, no."

The rest of the day he looked like he wasn't present mentally. Like he was unfocused. I'm hoping this has more to do with stress than it does to do with that phone call.

I am praying that I am looking too much I to this. I am praying that my intuition is way off this time. I am praying that my research is completely wrong.

I would rather be a nutty fool that was semi paranoid for a fatty lump than than have my worst fears come true.
We will see tomorrow. My appointment is at 10am.

October Sucks

November 1, 2013
11:50pm

Well, My pain in the ass Larry Lump is gone, now replaced with the healing kind of pain in the ass.

My day was far from typical. Horrible actually.
The night before surgery, my beautiful doggie Tyson took a turn for the worst. He was in pain, A Lot of pan. He was howling in pain dispute the strong pain killers. My poor hubs stayed by his side all night long. Carrying our 135 pound puppy where ever he wanted to go. My hubs finally told me at 3 am to try and get some sleep since surgery was at 6:30am.

At 5 am I woke up to see my husband still half awake sitting in the chair and my baby boy panting with a soft cry on a mattress we put on the living room floor.

After my shower, my husband carried my puppy into my bed where he finally fell asleep.
I almost cancelled again, but he did fall asleep.

My husband dropped my older teen daughter at the bus by 6:15am, then I kissed my little baby, and left for the hospital.

I had to pay up before I was registered then I went into the surgery area. They asked my husband to wait while I got in my gown and got an I'VE started, which took about 20 minutes.

I had an awesome nurse, Trina, who reminded me a lot of my best friend Christina in high school.
She called my husband back and then we waited.

I met with the doctor, and he used a marker to draw an outline of Larry Lump.
I met with the anesthesiologist that asked a bunch of questions, then told me the run down. He I formed me that he will give me a cocktail of "Happy Juice", to relax me before they took me in. He would then give me the knock out cocktail. Once I am out, he will have to put a tube in my throat to breath for me, so I may have a soar throat when I wake.
I was the second surgery, and so I went in about 8:30am.
They gave me something in my IV to help with nausea from surgery.
I never had a warning about the Happy juice and suddenly I felt drunk.
I remember laughing and ask g if I was given the happy stuff, then the nurse and my hubs started laughing.
So I started laughing.
I don't remember my husband leaving, but the next thing I remember is being wheeled thru the halls and into the OR.
I remember them giving me a Oxygen mask, but it didn't sit right on my face, so I kept messing with it. Then I remember thinking it was sucking my face, so I began to bite it. Lol.
I remember waiting for the "countdown", and I remember thinking of doing it with style by counting backwards by skipping twos. But- I don't remember anything else. No count down, no prep.

The next thing I remember was a nurse asking if I wanted coffee or apple juice. I said apple. Then she asked if I wanted a graham cracker, which I took.

My hubs was there a moment later. Then some doctor, (not mine) gave me discharge papers and asked if I had any questions. I asked two things:
How big was Larry, and how long for the Biopsy.
He stepped away then came back and said the doctor already left.
He said he doesn't know the size, but said it had 3 nodules and was hopefully a Lipoma.
He said Nodules??
He asked me to make an appointment within one week for a follow up.
I vaguely remember having a convo with a volunteer about the Red Sox as he wheeled me out to my husband in the car.
I don't remember much of the ride home, but I do remember feeling nauseous.
I got home, kissed my little one, checked on my puppy and went to bed.
I woke up a bit later by hearing my puppy crying again.

My husband and I knew it was time to end his suffering. I called his vet that said they couldn't doing it until the following night at 8pm. There was no way we cold make him suffer any longer. I called back to see if there was anything else, and they referred me to their "sister" hospital.
They heard my boy crying in the background d and took us right away.

It's a bit foggy since I still had the anesthesia and pain killers in me, but I insisted on going with my husband.
I don't want to talk much about it, but he went peaceful.
I told my little one that he needed to spend the night at the vet because he was in pain. I didn't want to lie to her, but she went thru a really rough week for a 6 year old. She heard her puppy crying all night. She had to worry about me having surgery, she had to go trick or treating with her sister and without me and dad. I didn't need to ruin Halloween for her anymore.

So today is the day after. My other dog is looking for my big boy all day. I still haven't told my little one. I will have to tell her tomorrow.

As for me, I am sore. My ass bone hurts. And I can't get comfortable. The lump is gone, but I do have swelling in a separate location next to Larry's spot. The incision is pretty big, like 2 inches!

I can't get it wet for 72 hours.
My throat does hurt, and I keep coughing up flem that I didn't have before.

So, October Sucked! Hopefully November will be filled with all good luck, and no more bad news.

Countdown

Wednesday October 30, 2013 @ 10:00pm

I am quite please on how "on top of things" this master procrastinator has been this week!
I am really trying to stick my my promise that I made my hubs and kids that I will fix all my health problems this year! Ok, so I know it is alreadyoctober, but better late than never, right?

I went to the radiology place today and picked up my mammogram report and cd for my doctor. Then I headed over to the doctor. Had my Pap Smear as part of my "taking care of me" promise to my family.
I spoke with the Physicians Assistant about my abnormal mammogram. She said that an ultrasound makes better sense as a followup to my abnormal mammogram because I have dense tissue and I am young.
She also ordered a transvaginal/ transabdominal sonogram for my endometriosis. She explained that I really do need to see a GYN soon.
My mammogram report says that I have scattered Fibroglandular density. It also says Focal Asymmetric Density. Not positive what that means but it says it is in the lower inner quadrant of the right breast.
Either way- I need to deal with one health issue at a time. Right now- Larry Lump needs to be evicted. I have to stop eating after midnight. My husband will drop my teenaged daughter off at the bus stop at 6:05am- and when he gets back, we will leave.
I have to be at the hospital at 6:30am- and I am scheduled for surgery at 8:00am. The nurse said it shouldn't be much longer than an hour.
I just can't wait for this to all be over with. I am tired of being nervous. I am tired of worrying. I need to relax. So my next post will be post -op, no pun intended. Lol.
Wish me luck!
See you on the other side!

Not much info

October 30, 2013

Didn't get much sleep last night.  Neither did my husband. We actually were both up on and off till sunrise.  I kept pretending to sleep, hoping he would finally close his eyes, but no luck.

So I called the Radiology place this morning. I explained that I received a letter stating that I need further evaluation of my right breast and I wanted to schedule the diagnostic mammogram. 

The woman said that I needed to speak to my doctor to determine the next step. She said the radiology report states I need an ultrasound- which would need to be ordered with my doctor. 

She told me to stop by today to get the report and CD for my doctor. 

It is now 10:10am. Doctors appointment is 12:40pm. 

I also called the surgeons office. I asked if there were any other tests that I need to have done before tomorrow's surgery- she said no- just wait for the hospitals call to inform me of the surgery time.  

I'm trying so hard not to be nervous. 

But it's getting really difficult. It's easier to pretend to be brave when others are around. 

Further Evaluation?

Tuesday October 29, 2013

Today was a weird day.  I have been very tired lately.  I think it has to do with getting over this damn cold, the change of weather and stress.  I have been sleeping great, which is good news, but I have been so lazy and tired- which is never good news.

Hubby took my 6 year old out today to buy her Halloween Costume, and then to play at the playground at Chick-Fill-A- just to give me time to myself.  I chose to clean up- because the house was so messy it was beginning to cry out for help!

The hubs called me to say he was stopping at Walmart for some stuff we needed.  As I was straightening up- I came across a pile of mail that someone brought in but hadn't been opened yet.

I see 2 envelopes from the radiology place, one for me, one for mom.  I just assumed they were bills for co-payments.  I opened them up to see what the damage was.

The first was for my mom- It was a letter saying that her Mammogram was normal and reminded her to have another one next year.

Next was mine.  I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow, which I was expecting to get the results then.

I opened the letter expecting to see the same words, same format- but with my name.  I stead the letter reads:

"Your screening mammogram performed on October 18, 2013, shows the need for further evaluation of your right breast.   We would like you to have a follow-up right breast diagnostic mammogram." 

So- Im freaking out.   I call my husband- who tells me it's probably nothing, maybe a cyst or scar tissue.  He calms me down some.   I thanked him for calming me down, and I explained that why I called him- because he is the level headed one.

He got home 5 minutes later, speeding I bet.  We made small talk about their Daddy / Daughter Date.  I started dishing out dinner, pretending to not worry.  Waiting to see what he does.
He waited less than 3 minutes, then asked to see the letter.  The deep breath that he took let me know that his calmness was all a bluff.   A good bluff, but I call BullShit!

I know this man 22 years.  We have been together for almost 20, married for 13 years.  I-know-this-man! My love is putting on his "don't worry about it" face, while I can see panic in his eyes.

So- that's when I get brave.   We can't both be worried, and It is selfish of me to Not let him think this through.  He doesn't know that I know he is worried.  And he will feel like he has failed if I let on that I am worried.  So, ironically- I'm not worried.  I change the subject, tell him Im sure its just scar tissue, and put on the TV.

I am worried, but I don't think this is anything.  It's strange, but Im more worried about this Larry Lump in my ass cheek, than the abnormal mammogram results.

So- here is the plan:  I will call the radiology place in the morning and schedule the diagnostic mammogram.  I will go to my doctor in the afternoon and ask for more detailed results of the mammogram.  Then I will go in for surgery the next day.  I will not worry until there is something to worry about.  And until then, I will do my best to keep my family calm and in great spirits.

Everything else is out of my control.
And I can only control what is in my power to do so.
Now, I'm tired. So goodnight.

Halloween

So- Tuesday's surgery was a no go. I prepared, didn't eat after midnight, followed all the rules. But I woke up early- felt ok....took my temperature  "just in case", and I had a fever!

100.3 to be exact. 

So Halloween it is.  

I have had other things to focus on the past two days. Besides being sick, my big boy Tyson (Great Dane / Boxer mix) isn't doing too well. He is 11 and limping. Doc told us its Bone Cancer. So we have been keeping him pampered, Happy and Stoned on his puppy pain killers. 

Larry has been more of a Pain IN MY ASS than usual.  Every day seems to be a bit stronger. It's like a piercing burning pain straight to my thigh bone. 

I'm still concerned about Larry the Lump. I keep thinking that I'm going to read something that will ease my mind. But from what I have gathered- 

Lipoma's move freely under the skin....this doesn't. 

Lipoma's rarely grow over 5cm......this is much bigger.

The cancerous form of this type of mass is called a Sarcoma. There are different types.  I am praying I am wrong. 

I just have this feeling. I can't shake it. I do t know how the hell I can handle it all if this comes back malignant. My amazing husband does not deserve to have to deal with this.  He has handled himself and this family on such strong shoulders.  I love him more than life itself. There has NEVER Been ANY Other!  He is now and always has been "THE ONE"!  

I wish the world could share 1 percent if our love- It would be a much better place to live. 

My Husband is a very handsome, strong, caring, sexy, generous, Hysterically Funny, Brave, thoughtful man. But he has his "other" side. Just put it this way- you never want to make him switch on the "other side". He puts me and my girls in front if everything and everyone in earth. That sounds cliché, but it is literally Me and the girls on one side-  the universe on the other with him holding between us. 

A man like that is extremely rare. Many try to act the type- but he is just programmed this way. I NEVER have to worry about any physical threat. I have never been afraid of a noise in the night,  or a shady guy coming towards us on a dark street. I am very grateful that I have never ever had those fears. 

Instead- I only fear things that could break him- and it isn't much. 

I am afraid that if this comes back bad- It will rip him up because in his mind -he couldn't "protect" me from this. 

Call it intuition- but I have a bad feeling about this. And now I have another 8 days to wait. In the meantime- I am going to kick this colds Ass, and finally get out of the house tomorrow with the kids. 

Quality time outdoors is just what I need. 

Cancelled, Rescheduled.....Limbo

I woke up this morning (Monday) not feeling great. I had stuffy nose and was a bit dizzy. But I always feel dizzy after NyQuil.

I called the surgeon at 11am and told the nurse I caught a bit of a cold. She didn't ask for my symptoms, and just said "The doctor said we need to reschedule". I pleaded that I had no fever, and zero congestion. But she said "Doctor said to reschedule, so we reschedule".
The Only days that I could reschedule for was either October 31 which as we all know is Halloween, or on November 5 which is my daughters 17 birthday. I reluctantly chose Halloween.

Funny thing is, throughout the day I felt better and better. So at about 6pm, I called the doctors office back to see if they can put me back on. The answering service said my doctor was not on call and could not reach him.

I called the Hospital and spoke to an awesome nurse named Cathy. She tried everything, but said she could not schedule me without speaking to the doctor.

Her advise was to prepare for surgery. Not to eat or drink after midnight. The doctor was scheduled for surgery at 7:30 am. She told me to call before then to see if he could still fit me in.

So now Im in limbo. It's after midnight, so o food or water for me. I feel good, I had my last spritz of Zicam 5 minutes ago. My left nostril is a bit congested- but that's it.

So- Hopefully my next post will be "Mission Accomplished".
Night.

Sick!

Both my girls had a nasty cold/flu all week.  By some miracle   - My hubs and I did NOT catch it.....Until last night that is! 

 It all Started at about 2am- burning nose, sniffles.  

First thing this morning (Sunday October 20) I ran to Walgreens and bout Zicam spray. 

It's comically really- I rush to Walgreens in my PJ's in this urgent mission to kill these germs so my surgery isn't postponed for the second time....Yet I am so cheap (actually I prefer FRUGAL), that I made time to grab 2 flyers, compare products and clip 2 seep rate coupons to knock 40% off the price (Fist pump-YES!!!). 

So I get the Zicam- don't read All o te directions- and do 4 squirts in my mouth.  

Suddenly I'm not only dizzy, have a burning nose- But I'm super weak and feel like up chucking. 

I lay down- close my eyes. 2 hours later, I am actually feeling better! 

I re-read the directions and now suddenly see the part I skipped over - Do Not Take On An Empty Stomach!

Hubs went to the store to pick up dinner ingredients and also got fresh ginger root and lemons. 

I grated some ginger, added fresh squeezed lemon juice, dark honey and aTangerine  Herbal tea bag. I drank a cup and took it easy. 

While making dinner- my energy rushed right out of me. I was suddenly really weak, dizzy and desperately needed to lay down. Hubs complies- finishes cooking while my little kid set the table and my big kid dished it out and served.  (Did I mention how AMAZING My hubs and kids are?)

I barely ate- chills set in. I managed to eat a few bites of hubs fantastic capreese salad. 

Now I'm in bed at 9pm- took / NyQuil gel caps, 4 squirts of Zicam and am trying to get my body relaxed and tired to sleep. 

Now I have to call the surgeon tomorrow to see if I can still have surgery. My body aches, nose burned and have the chills. 

Fingers crossed! 

NyQuil is kicking in. Night! 

Pre-Op Done

Today I had to go into the hospital to have all of the Pre-Op testing completed.  The directions said to show up between 10 am and 3 pm, and of course being the procrastinator that I am- I waited until 2pm to stroll in.

The tests included blood work up of CBC, CMP, pregnancy test, a urine test and some other initial coded tests that I don't remember.

All in all it was pretty and quick and painless- except for the part where the Intake lady tells me that I have to pay $250 co pay for my surgery the morning of my surgery, which is now only 5 days from now.  I was not expecting that.  I thought for sure there would be a bill of some sort, but not a $250 co-pay!! That's what I get for not paying attention to my health plan.

Not to give too much personal info, but in the spirit of full disclosure:  my urine was REALLY Orange looking.  So, I need to up my water intake!

My mom, 70 years old, is just as bad at keeping up on her health.  She has moved in with me one year ago.  She came for a visit last year and I was in absolute shock- she only weighed 63 pounds!  Absolute skin and bone! She was wasting away.  Now, she is 104 pounds and in great shape.

Moms doctor has been asking for her to go thru the routine tests- mammogram.  Mom and I were talking about my upcoming surgery and I mentioned that this wouldn't be as scary as it is if I didn't neglect my health.  I said it wouldn't have grown to the size of a handball if I took care of it right away like I was supposed to.  I mentioned that I never had my mammogram that my doctor ordered last year either.  So Mom, being awesome, said "I'll go, if you go!"
So I called to schedule it, and we are having mother/daughter mammograms together tomorrow.

After the pre-op, I spent the rest of my day keeping busy.  Spending time with my family.  Finished teaching my little one her language arts classes.  Made an awesome roast beef for dinner.  We ate, then sat down for an episode of "The Walking Dead"- (we JUST got into it).

Now, at bedtime, is when I have time to think.  i have time to wonder.  which means I have time to worry.  I wonder how long it takes for the biopsy to come back.  ......Won't be soon enough.

....Malignancy is Very Rare

Went to the doctor today. My Hubs went with me, as he usually does. 

We were in the waiting room and my hubs started looking around. He got fixated on a plaque  on the wall.  

He came rushing over to me with a smirk on his face and said in his tough Brooklyn brogue "Babe, we got NOTHIN to be scared of. This Doc is the Real Deal! He is on the medical board for the hospital you are going to- and better yet- he is on the board for the American Cancer Society!  So he is well aware of malignancies and he would tell you right away if he thought this was something to worry about!"   

So I eased up a bit.

Nurse took me in right away. I st on the table, an my hubs say in the too-tiny-for-him chair.  The nurse asked me my height, to which I replied 5'4".  She the asked my weight. I said "we are married 13 years, together almost 20.  I am not about to blurt out my weight for the first time in front of my husband- so I will have to tell you in your ear!"  She laughed, he laughed. And I divulged my secret weight into this strange woman's ear.

The Nurse wrapped a blood pressure device around my left wrist and filed my left hand up to touch my right shoulder then asked me not to move or talk, which was nearly impossible for me to do for the whole 60 seconds. 

She then handed me a not-so-attractive blue robe and asked me to change. I asked if it needs to be open in the back- and she said "It doesn't matter- as long as you two behave yourself and don't fool around in here". 

Lol. 

The doctor and a young intern came in.  He remembered that Larry was quite large, but needed to look at him again. He pinched and poked then said "No problem- we can take this out in the hospital. It is very very deep."  

My husband interjected that I am quite nervous and wanted a biopsy done first. 

The doctor replied that it is Very Very rare for these rumors to be malignant- but he will do a biopsy after the surgery. It needs to come out- so he will remove it all, then do the biopsy. 

This time Betty bump was hiding. I assured him that it isn't bothering me now- so he said we will leave it be. 

I scheduled the surgery for next Tuesday, October 22. Pre-Op blood work will be tomorrow. 

So I am less nervous and more optimistic. 

But something is telling me not to get my hopes up. 

Today's the Day

I leave in just under 2 hours to see the general surgeon. I am hoping he does a biopsy first. It just makes sense.

Both my daughters have been sick the past few days. My big one took Mon and Tues off and just went back to school today. My little one had a high fever of 103.3 two nights ago. She fell asleep early last night which means she was up at 3am....which means I had zero sleep last night.
So right now My hubby and baby girl are both asleep in the living room. I will wake them in an hour.

At night I begin to feel this throbbing under Larry and in my left knee. I'm thinking its just because Larry lump is pressing on something when I lay in bed.
I know I shouldn't, but I read this whole medical document last night on the "whoops" factor. Apparently too many general surgeons are too cocky to take a biopsy first and assure the patients they are positive the lump is a lipoma even though There is no way to tell without a biopsy. So the surgeon cuts out the lump, sends it for biopsy. On the cases that the biopsy comes back malignant- the surgeon is surprised and now "whoops"- the patient has to go through another surgery to take out surrounding tissue that could contain cancer cells.

Whoops Surgeries
A study in the UK finds that "The most significant factors affecting survival were grade (high versus low) and depth of the tumour" and the expertise of the treatment center.2 In this study, the argument is made that patients have better outcomes at large hospital centers largely because local control is much better.2 In performing surgery to remove a sarcoma, it is extremely important to remove the entire tumor and surrounding tissue to achieve a wide margin between cancerous cells and healthy tissue. There's even a name for one of the common errors, in which the surgeon performs a "whoops" procedure.2 According to the authors, "This is when a lump is excised, usually with little forethought and without a biopsy and the surgeon is then surprised when the pathologist reports it as a sarcoma (hence the term 'whoops') .... most authors now agree that wide re-excision to obtain clear margins is necessary as residual tumour will be found in anything between 30 and 60% of cases."2 Needless to say, one surgery is preferable to two surgeries especially where the second one is totally avoidable. Local recurrence (LR) rates are much lower when the surgery is done correctly.

God, I pray this is just a Lipoma.

Tomorrow.....

Tomorrow is my appointment with my general surgeon.  I am anxious, but calm.  Ironically, today was a fantastic day for me.  I guess writing my feelings, my anticipations, my anxieties, and my fears down last night on this blog lead me to a calm place and clear mind.  After I finished my post I laid in bed for hours thinking.
And this is what I came up with:
Worst case scenerio- What if it is Cancer?  Then I ran the scenarios around in my head.  I imagined  how strong I knew my husband would be.  I teared at how I would need to be strong for my girls.  How I would hate the Pity calls, and having to tell those I still feel close enough to be in my life - over and over again. I wondered what my chances would be if it was cancer.
After I imagined all the  "What If" scenarios - I Imagned the "What Then"-  Chemo?, Radiation? , Surgery?
I planed how I would live very day out to the fullest. I would appreciate every last moment with my Amazing Husband, and my Awesome daughters.  I would Smile more, and worry less.  I would sing, and joke.  I wouldn't procrastinate because I would finally appreciate the value of every single moment in Time.
Then I had a reality check-
Why the HELL would I need to wait for Horrible News, To Live Life Meaningful?
LIVE LIFE NOW!!!

So I woke up, and got busy living.  I smiled more, I laughed more, I relaxed more and Worried Less! And I noticed something- I was UP TIGHT!
I also noticed that when I lightened up- so did everyone around me.  I never realized the power I held.  I never realized that my mood directly effected those around me.
The outcome was awesome!  Laughter all day long.  My Mom was singing- Singing!!! My husband and kids were laughing and joking, and I felt , well, frisky! ( which my husband did not mind at all ;0)
So- this is my prerogative- I May or may not have cancer- but Larry Lump has showed me a new way to appreciate life.  We ALL have an expiration date marked on us from the moment we are born- how arrogant of us to waste one precious moment because we don't know when our time is up.
Like my Dad always said, only so many clicks to a light switch, no body knows when that light will burn out.  Maybe click #5,000, or maybe #5,000,000.  Don't waste the clicks.
I will not waste one more click!

Introducing Larry and Betty

I'm a 36 year old happily married Wife and Mom of 2 beautiful girls.
I hope I am starting to write this for absolutely NO reason, but I have a feeling......

I have a LARGE Lump (Larry Lump) on my left Ass cheek.  It is BIg, It Is Deep.  I can grab it with my entire palm, and then some. I measure it today with a fabric measuring tape.  I got 9cm by 7cm on the surface.

And then there is Betty.  Betty is a small Bump, also on the left side, but located in my Dimple area of my lower back.

I finally had the courage to go to the doctor in July this year to have Larry checked out.  First I went to my family doctor.  He encouraged me to stop being a chicken and go get it checked out.  He did actually scare me by telling me "It's probably NOtHiNg- But if you leave Nothing alone long enough, it will become something!"

Im a "Strike while the Iron is Hot" kinda girl, So THAT Scared the crap out of me and I immediately went to a General surgeon in my city.  Nice older gentleman.  My hubby was with me, as always, so that took the pressure off a bit.  I stripped down, put on the paper robe and then shamelessly showed my Lumpy Ass off to this nice elderly doctor.  He squeezed, poked, pinched and finally gave me a temp tat by drawing on my Ass.

He said "It's probably nothing, a lipoma, but we will take it out just as well.  I found a little bit of relief with his words, and then showed him my Betty Bump.  The doctor said since Larry is very deep, he will have to put me under anesthesia in the hospital, and he will take out Larry and Betty.
I scheduled the surgery for 3 weeks from then.

Side story- my health has really sucked the past few years.  After having my daughter in 2006- I began to have terrible pains in my pelvis.  After many visits, and sonograms, and a liproscopic surgery for scar tissue, I had my left ovary and tube removed and there was a large endometriosis mass attaching my organs.  The doctor couldn't get it all as it is deep in my pelvic wall, so every month I am in A LOT of pain before, during and immediately after my period.  Which is why I Hate going to doctors and which is why I have neglected my health and let Larry grow so big.

Back to the story- when time came for my Larry Lumpectomy- Mother Nature had other plans, and I was doubled over with my monthly hell.  I cancelled the surgery, and said I would call back to reschedule......which I didn't.  (Remember- Strike while the iron is hot?)

So Now it's October.  I have begun to have pain in my ass.  Larry has grown.  I feel this throbbing dull pain from my lump, down my thigh.  My Knee is also hurting, but I'm not sure if its from Larry pressing on a nerve, or because I have been sleeping with my knees bent every night because my 135 pound Doggie has insisted on sleeping my my knees laying the opposite way every night.

So- I decided to reschedule the surgery, and the person in Charge of scheduling says I have to come back in to see the doctor.  So I have been thinking- I'm not too cool with the whole "Cut first- Biopsy later" technique.  Shouldn't they have to do a Biopsy FIRST?  I don't know much about malignancies- but one thing I always remembered is when you cut into the C word - it spreads.

I now have an appointment in 2 days. I have many questions before the knife hits my skin.
I just have a feeling.... And I pray that I Am WRONG!